Chip, chip hooray. It’s National Chip and Dip day.
“We are often too late with our brilliance,” explains Gemini actor Richard Schiff. “We are on time delay. The only instant gratification comes in the form of potato chips. The rest will find us by surprise somewhere down the road, maybe as we sleep and dream of other things.”
While we wait on the edge of our seats for other epiphanies, we shall settle for the conciliatory glory of the chip, celebrated for its crisp, calorically dense, dip welcoming wonder, every year on March 23.
Because I am a benevolent god and because there are twelve zodiac signs, we are singing the praises and extending the love beyond potatoes to include corn chips, Funyuns, Pringles, pita chips and kale crisps.
Read on, or dig in as it were, to learn more.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Pita chips
Aries is the fist born, purpose is progress sign of the zodiac and there’s a high likelihood the first bread ever made by the hands of early man looked something like the blistered, pillowy, begging for hummus pita bread we know today. Add to this that Aries is a cardinal fire sign that could stand to mellow out by smoking up and pita chips are flame kissed and twice baked.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Sour cream and onion chips
Taurus is a potato; the versatile, dependable, dense, long lasting root vegetable of the zodiac. These folks have a reputation for being lazy but in reality we’re only and ever looking for the paved path to pleasure. Why burden yourself with dip that needs refrigerating when you can enjoy the fat and happy flavor profiles of sour cream and onion in a single dry, gloriously gluttonous bite? You say lazy I say streamlined.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Pringles
Pringles were invented by a Gemini chemist named Fredric J. Baur who was intent on creating the perfect chip and patented a saddle shape and cylindrical can to prevent breakage. Hero. Gemini rules over the third house of communication and branding and Pringles has changed their description to suit taste and taxation, going from potato chips to potato crisps and including flavors as far flung as Prawn and Blueberry. Gemini’s have a curious sense of humor and when Baur died in 2008, his cremated remains were interred in none other than a Pringles can. Bless.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Funyuns
Funyuns were invented by Cancer food technologist George Wade Bigner. Cancers are resistant to change and nostalgic about the past; true to form, the Funyun recipe has remained unchanged since its inception in 1969. Despite or perhaps because of their reputation for heightened sensitivity, Cancers are the class clown, uncontested comedians of the zodiac, ever looking for the laughter of other to fill the gaping Funyun size hole inside of them.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
SunChips
Leos are ruled by the sun and their season encompasses the deep heat of summer. In kind, SunChips taste like a farmer’s market fart. Leos are warm and well intentioned with shaky follow through and SunChips tried like hell to brand themselves as “green” but have since rolled back their compostable bag initiative.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Cool Ranch Doritos
Virgos are efficient and this chip tastes like its already been baptized by dip and chemical gold dust. Add to it that that Doritos were invented by enterprising Virgo named Arch West. When West died, he had a proper corn chip sendoff, with mourners sprinkling triangles of triumph over his casket. Rest in flour.
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
- Here’s which beer embodies your zodiac sign
- What kind of pizza are you based on your zodiac sign?
- What wine are you based on your zodiac sign?
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Lay’s Potato Chips
Libra is refined and prefers to keep the peace and maintain the status quo lest anyone be upset or lose their appetite. Enter the classic Lays potato chip, a satisfactory if not inspired chip choice that meets the needs and baselines of most. Libras love high end s–t and camp/kitch aesthetic especially when someone else is paying the tab, making these $1800 chip inspired hand bags absolutely apt.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Chazz P—y-flavored potato chips
In terms of the physical body, Scorpio rules the genitalia and this bag of potato chips from Lithuanian brand Chazz, promises to deliver a very specific flavor profile. Scorpios are fearless in pursuit of intimacy and deep devotees of carnality, making these crisps and their unrepentant smut, their kind of bag.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Cheetos
Chester Cheetah reminds me in many ways of a prototypical Sagittarius dude; no pants, sunglasses at all hours, likely denizen of a pool hall, oozing ‘do you want to take a ride on my motorcycle charm. Built for speed and experiences, devil may care and stained hands be damned, Cheetos are the chip of choice for archers.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Cape Cod salt and vinegar chips
When I picture the Capricorn archetype it sometimes takes the shape of Captain Ahab, complete with whale bone prosthetic, gritted teeth and ruthless determination. I feel like that dude would only and ever eat kettle cooked salt and vinegar chips because they crack, never crumble and taste of the dark, pungent heart of the malevolent sea.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Kale chips
Aquarians are accustomed to being ahead of their time and condemned for their kook. What they promote often takes years to catch on, be it hot air balloon travel, lycra or eating dehydrated salad AKA kale chips. Good for you but hard to swallow, the song of songs of every interaction I have ever had with a water bearer.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Munchies Snack Mix
Pisces is the last sign in the zodiac and as such encompasses the energy of every sign that precedes it. The ancient ruler of Pisces is Jupiter, that ever expansive, more the merrier, make it a double planet of abundance and abandon. In kind, Munchies are a no holes barred snack menagerie. Add to this that Pisces is synonymous with escape and Munchies have been engineered to operate as a siren song to stoners.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
- The 12 zodiac signs
- What are the astrology houses
- Here’s what each planet represents
- Sun, moon and rising signs: Get to know your Big 3
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
